a long way from home
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It's amazing how so much has changed in the past year, except in actuality, so little.

I wish I'd kept the resolve I felt the last time I'd written here. I vowed I was going to leave the toxic things behind me. Yet for the past year, I've continuously kept returning. A constant cycle; rinse and repeat.

I did break up with TJ shortly after returning home from Mexico. We stopped talking for a few months. He'd send a few e-mails to me when he had consumed too much tequila and cocaine in the early hours of the morning, saying how I was the only girl he'd ever loved, how he's dying without me, and how I've ruined his life by leaving his side. He'd pepper in a few Mexican ballads about love and heartbreak. And after awhile I'd feel weak and lonely and realize I've been running from the hurt of the entire past two years and trying to supplement it with alcohol, or shutting myself in to the point that I wouldn't talk to anyone for weeks. So no matter how over him I thought I was, I'd end up e-mailing back. Because feeling what was portrayed by him as "love" was enough to keep the pain away for awhile. I mattered so much to this person, and they mattered so much to me. Maybe this time it'll really work. And things would just feel a little better.

It's like taking a pill to take the edge off. Having a drink the morning after to prevent the inevitable hangover; just put off dealing with the pain for a little while longer, I swear just a little while longer, I promise I'll deal with it later but I just really need this right now.

That's how you become an addict.

We'd be good for awhile. Sometimes a few weeks, maybe even more than a month. But usually only a matter of days. And then I'm stuck sitting here thinking, why? Why am I doing this to myself again? Why are we doing this to ourselves again? The jealousy, the frustration at the lack of him being able to control my actions and my emotions. Treating me like I'm not capable of handling myself on my own. Making me feel like a child who is in need of constant supervision and observation. I've been a free spirit my entire life. The moment someone tries to tell me what to do or how I should behave, dress or act... I rebel. I've worked too hard, endured too much. I've explored and experienced more than most will in a lifetime. I've fought tooth and nail to keep my integrity intact because it's really all I believe I've ever had or been that's worth something. I've been through more truly traumatic experiences than I can even remember, and I've survived every single thing I've endured on my own. I have fought for myself my entire life.

I will not be held back. For anything. For anyone.

So why do I keep going back to this person who so badly wants to pin me down and clip my wings? Is this reasoning of "love" something that's real, or something that I've just convinced myself is legitimate so I don't have to deal with the pain of showing who I am to anyone else?

I know it's bad for me. Everyone in my life is telling me that I need to cut it off, permanently, for real. For good. He's not even in the country. I haven't seen him for over a year. Multiple people have commented on how badly it's affecting my mental health. I've even been started on antidepressants. They haven't changed how utterly fucking low I feel every day. I just keep pretending like things are getting better. Things are generally going well in my daily life. I afford to take care of myself, I live on my own, I'm loved by my family, I'm appreciated in my career. But I'm not happy, and when I'm not talking to him, I feel even worse. How is this possible?

I don't know what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true, each beat reminds me of you
It hurts my soul because I can't let go
All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Because I keep going right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from...

Why can't you just love me for who I am?

... 2021-07-20 @ 9:38 p.m.